Franciscan Salvationist

Weds 3rd August, 2011

2011-08-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

The last part of the book of Numbers is so powerful, expressing the idea that each place the children of Israel stopped having a spiritual lesson, named in such a way as to recall it. I look back over my journey and wonder if I am able to identify spiritual lessons in each situation. Some have been so painful - others so amazing. It has been difficult to feel joy recently, just to feel happy things seems to have been beyond me, but tonight, working with a gracious and good humoured team and some people who have faced many challenges in their lives, I felt so grateful and the experience was so positive.

I made the beds up earlier, for my eldest coming down with her family - I haven't seen the grandchildren since Christmas! I can't wait. The moments I remember of holding my own babies in my arms are so precious, and the moments of holding each new grandchild for the first time. Awesome grace, amazing and overflowing grace - once again I'm reminded how God has been with me in those events along the way. Grounded in that loving relationship, I can set time aside for praying for others without my own neediness crowding in. (10 days)

Days 5-9, Tuesday 2 August 2011 (10hrs)

2011-08-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

I’ve gone into that deep darkness which is listening to God, being still with my soul, in silence and pain. Entering into the Nine Days in the Jewish calendar, a time set aside for mourning and remembering, there's a quiet atmosphere at home. The rhythms of the Jewish calendar, which have been there throughout basically all my adult life, are deeply comforting, and speak so richly to my soul. The situation at the church I've just left has kept diverting my attention from that which is life-giving and nourishes my soul - the gentle flow of following Jesus attentively. It's the way we are wired I guess, we instinctively pay attention to the threats more than the beauty of a loving relationship. But the paradox is that it's only the loving relationship with God which really enables survival and makes it worth surviving. Lord help us deal with the dark times, be there in the dark with us, a presence we can sense even when we cannot see you.

Days three and four - Thurs.28 July 2011

2011-08-02T23:49:00.000-07:00

Getting back into the rhythm of a prayer vigil feels good and natural. I’m managing an hour in the morning after regular morning prayers and ending with a few minutes of worship, then some additional time later in the day if I can fit it in. Yesterday, as Mother Teresa describes it, I sat and listened to God and he sat and listened to me - silence, but in his presence, a mix of inner struggle and wordless love. My thoughts are with those in Norway after the terrible crimes there, so many innocent lives taken in an act of horror. Praying for the bereaved, those eclipsed now with grief, for all affected. Praying for those trying to tackle violent extremism. (6 hours)

Tuesday 26th July 2011

2011-08-02T23:43:00.000-07:00

The first morning hour, and I lit the candle and sat in an empty place - as prayer can feel like that. But eventually there is a sense of God's presence. I like to imagine an empty bowl - or place one on the shelf in front of me. Into that today I placed the words 'build trust, repair broken trust'. In earthly terms I have relationships around me in the church at the moment, the one I'm moving from, which I cannot imagine can be trusting again. But I have this one solid relationship, a relationship where no matter what unfolds, God loves and plans nothing but good for me, even when I can't see it or even believe it possible. He loves me, he loves us, deeply, profoundly, enough that he came down from heaven to be with us, to show us how much he loves us by taking on human vulnerability. Who better to ask for help with trust?

Monday 25 July 2011

2011-08-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

My last prayer vigil was hard, but wonderful. I don't know where this one will lead me. I asked, how do I find the balance between vigil and picket, between prayer and protest, between encouragement and lobby, between vulnerability and strength? In the struggle, a spiritual director friend suggested I simply pray - and let God be in charge of the unfolding. I lit the first candle, and will set aside an hour or so a day.